Sudden, Tragic Loss and Children: Expert Tips for Supporting Your Grieving Child
“How do I help my child cope with death? “What is the right thing to say?”, “What do they need from me?” are questions parents struggle with after a loss. While there’s no perfect script, here’s a guide on what to expect and to help you and your child navigate grief.
1. The “Why” Questions Are Also Normal.
“Why did they die?” “Why would God allow this to happen?” “Why us?” “Why now?”
Your child will likely wrestle with these big questions. We don’t get to know those answers in this lifetime, and that’s really hard. However, accepting that reality allows them to move past getting stuck in the WHY and move towards being okay.
While parents don’t have the answer to the WHY question, it’s important to acknowledge their questions and say it aloud to help kids try to make some sense of their loss.
I recommend sharing, “I don’t know why this happened to our family, but we will be okay and we will get through this.”
2. Putting the pieces in the puzzle: “How did this happen?” Could this have been avoided? The Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda’s
After a loss, especially a sudden/tragic loss, adults and kids will be trying to put the pieces together of a puzzle–trying to process how it happened, and if they, or someone, could have done something to have the tragedy avoided. Your child might get caught up in “what if” scenarios: “What if they had left 15 minutes later?” “What if I had done something different?”
This “woulda, shoulda, coulda” thinking is normal right after a tragic loss occurs. The woulda, shoulda, coulda questions are fine and even necessary initially to help absorb and process the reality of loss.
How can a parent help a child make peace with not getting to know the answers?” What if my child gets stuck either blaming others or themselves?
There is no set time limit for processing grief and asking “why.” While it’s natural to seek answers, especially right after a loss, some people can become stuck in this phase, particularly when dealing with blame or guilt.
Moving through grief means accepting that some questions may remain unanswered in this lifetime. Instead of dwelling on how the loss happened, focus on honoring your loved one’s memory and finding ways to move forward. Eventually, you may find peace or acceptance – and remember, moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting or letting go.
Validating for the child that it is hard for adults to make sense of the loss and that sometimes things happen that don’t make sense to adults. Sometimes bad things happen that are completely unfair. Making sure the child isn’t carrying blame/guilt and helping them to realize that this is simply bigger than them. Moving towards the feelings of missing their loved one, honoring them, and navigating how to move forward are the next steps. At some point, you’ll either feel peace, acceptance or resignation.
Your loved one has died and they need to make a conscious decision to move forward. It’s also important to note here that moving forward doesn’t mean letting go.
3. Your child will need a lot of comfort and validation. Shower them with love.
- What’s okay to say:
- “This stinks–times a million.”
- “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I’m here.”
- “I don’t know the right words, but I love you and I’ve got you.”
- “I don’t know why this happened but we WILL get through this together.”
- Avoid saying “I’m sorry”, even when it’s true. It makes you the focus of the situation and might make a child feel responsible for making you feel bad and them wanting to comfort YOU for feeling sorry. Focus on their feelings and how you can fill their cup.
- Don’t try to fix or minimize their grief. There’s no way to make this better, and attempting to do so can make children feel their feelings aren’t valid.
- Help them understand there is no “right” way to feel after losing someone – confusion, heartbreak, anger, numbness, fear, or experiencing many emotions at once.
Try This: Make the conversation interactive! Share your own feelings: “Who’s feeling confused right now?” or “Who’s feeling scared?” (raise your hand).
- Acknowledge that grief is complex by saying things like “This doesn’t make sense to adults either, so it’s okay if it doesn’t make sense to you.”
- Keep the door open for conversation. Let them know you’re there for them. Remember that shared grief often feels lighter than grief carried alone.
4. Remember the Whole Person, Not Just the Last Moment.
This is especially important. The last minute of someone’s life doesn’t define them (especially for parents or siblings who died by suicide or overdose). It is important to help your child remember their loved one’s entire life story – their personality, achievements, and the joy they brought to others. A person’s life holds countless moments that deserve to be celebrated and remembered.
“Is there a good time to talk about our favorite memories? Will this make a child more upset?”
Ask your child, “Would you like to hear some of my favorite stories about them?” Take your cues from them – some moments they may want to talk and others they may want to be quiet.
5. Reassure them they will be okay. They will get through this.
When tragedy strikes, a child’s safety net unravels. Their understanding of the world as a safe place is broken, and they lack the life experience to know they will survive these darker moments. They need trusted adults, typically a parent or guardian, to guide them through this darkness and reassure them that they will be okay.
Children often worry about losing their remaining loved ones, and need to be actively comforted with statements like “I’m here, and I’ll help you through this.” This reassurance helps rebuild their shattered sense of safety.
Remember, shared grief is lighter grief. We’re here to help you and your child through this journey. You don’t have to walk this path alone.
Need more support? Reach out to us at info@comfortzonecamp.org, or register your child to one of our programs. We’re here for you.
